Outrageous
Good jokes are so hard to find. We've had these, but we thought they were much too outrageous to send out. But then we had a thought, "Well, maybe if we warn everyone first..."
So these jokes are super outrageous! Hope no one gets too offended!
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I.R.S. Visitor
A man from the Internal Revenue Service knocks on a door and it is opened by a little boy. "Good afternoon," the I.R.S. man says. "I'd like to speak with your mother. Is she home?"
"Yes," the boy answers, "She's out in the back yard, screwing the goat."
The man exclaims, "Son, it's not nice to make up stories like that!"
"But it's true," the boy says. "She really is out back screwing the goat. Come on in and I'll show you."
The boy brings the taxman into the house and walks him over to the picture window that faces the back yard. Indeed, the mother is out back screwing the goat.
"Oh, my God!" the taxman says, astonished. "Your mom really is screwing a goat! That is so wrong! Doesn't that bother you?"
The little boy answers, "Naaaaaaaaah!"
Stay Fresh
One night as a couple was getting into bed, the husband gently tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm.
The wife turned over and said, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband grumbled and turned over to sleep.
A few minutes later, he rolled back over, tapped his wife again and whispered in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
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Human Interest Story
A young journalist had gone to work for the local newspaper. His first assignment was to write a brief human interest story. An idea came to him and he returned to one of the most remote areas he knew of in his home state.
Deep in the woods, he came upon a farmer's house and decided this would be a good place to start.
He introduced himself to the back country farmer. "I'm doing a human interest story and I'd like to interview you," the young journalist said.
"Sure thing," the farmer replied.
"Okay," the reporter began. "Tell me about an event in your life that made you very happy."
The farmer replied, “One time a neighbor lost one of his sheep. We all formed a posse and found it. After we all screwed it, we took it back to the farmer that lost it!”
“I can’t print that!” said the reporter, “Can you think of another event that made you happy?”
The farmer thought for a minute and said, “Yep. One time the daughter of another local farmer got lost. She was a good-lookin’ young girl. We all formed a posse and found her. She was 18 and she was willing. After all of us screwed her, we took her back to her daddy.”
"I can't print that either!" the journalist said. "Let's try something different. Tell me about a time in your life that made you really sad."
The farmer hung his head and replied, “Well, I got lost once...”
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Large Woman Fetish
A man with a fetish for very large women walked into a brothel. "Good evening," the madam greeted. "What can I get you?"
The man answered, "I really like large women and I want a big one."
The madam showed him a big woman, but he shook his head and asked, "Do you have anyone bigger?"
The madam showed him another, even bigger woman. "Better," he said, "But I want someone bigger. Matter of fact, I want the biggest woman you have!"
The madam brought him to the biggest woman who worked in the brothel. She was enormous. "Perfect!" he said.
The woman brought him to her room and soon the two of them were going at it with him on the top.
After a few minutes, he suddenly stopped and said to the woman, "Sorry, do you mind if I turn off the light?"
"It's me, isn't it?" she replied. "You don't find me attractive because I'm so big and fat, right?"
"No, no," he said. "That's not it. I think you're beautiful. It's just that the light bulb is burning my ass!"
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Country Love
A young, lonely man was driving along a winding country road when he came across a stunningly beautiful hitchhiker, so he stopped to pick her up.
A few miles down the road, the woman started coming onto him, so needless to say, he pulled over to the side of the desolate, deserted road.
Once the woman had the man's pants down to his ankles, she surprised him with a gun and bound his wrists to his ankles. Then she robbed him of his wallet and clothes, and drove off in his car.
Once she was out of sight, the man struggled to his feet, but couldn't free his wrists from his ankles, so he began hopping alongside the road in a desperate attempt to find someone to help him.
A short time later, a trucker pulled up alongside the troubled man.
"What happened to you?" asked the trucker.
"I picked up this hitchhiker," the man said. He proceeded to explain his plight.
The trucker listened to his story, then stepped down from his truck, unzipped his pants and remarked, "Well, your day is about to pick up, buddy."
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The Last Two Gifts of Creation
God was just about done creating the Universe, but He had two extra things left in His bag of creations, so He decided to give one to Adam and one to Eve. He called them over.
"I have a couple of things here left in My bag for the two of you," God said. "This is one of them. It's the ability to pee standing up. It's a very handy thing. I was wondering if either of you wanted this ability."
Before God had a chance to explain any further, Adam jumped up and blurted out in childish glee, "Oh, can I have that one? Please? I'd love to be able to do that! It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden, I could just stand there and let it fly! It would be so cool! I could write my name in the sand! Oh, please! Please! Can I have that one? Please?"
Eve just smiled and said to God, "If Adam really wants that one, he should have it. It seems to be the sort of thing that will make him happy. Give him that ability. I don't mind."
"Very well," God said. And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his misdirection while in a vertical position. He was so happy, he celebrated by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.
"OK, let's see," God said, looking into His bag of gifts. "What do I have left? Ah, yes. Here it is. Multiple orgasms..."
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Thank You For Shopping at Wal-Mart
One day in line at the company cafeteria, Joe said to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replied. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. It's a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So, the next day, Joe brought in a urine sample and took it over to the diagnostic machine at Wal-Mart. He deposited ten dollars. The computer lit up and asked for the urine sample. He poured it into the slot and waited.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejected a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
So the next day, he attempted to trick the machine by mixing up a preparation of tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. He hurried back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposited ten dollars, poured in his concoction, and awaited the results.
The computer printed the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart!
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Good Day!